A Heartfelt Letter to Mr.President

I received the following in my email so I'm posting it here.

Fuck you, Mr. President
By Pakistan Seriously, fuck you.

Let us start with the basics. You are an asshole. A thief. An alleged murderer. And a scoundrel. And mind-blowingly incompetent to boot.

The only reason you matter is because your equally incompetent, currently delusional, then dysfunctional, mother-in-law thought that you were such a lowly piece of shit that you would never get in the way of your late wife, also delusional, whose dowry included the most popular political party in Pakistan. Why she had such elevated expectations of a two-bit thug is beyond us. But still.

After you had done your husbandly duties, the sensible thing for BB to have done would be to have had you shot. In fact, she should just had had your sperm frozen on day one and then had you tortured into the next dimension. But BB made many mistakes, marrying you being one class-fucking-A example.

So long as BB was alive, you were an embarrassment. You stole with great abandon, from old and young, from the rich and the poor alike. You were, and remain, a fucking genius at stealing. And, surprisingly modest to boot. The world knew you as Mr. 10 per cent. You were maligned. The SGS Cotecna deal only called for a 6% kickback (as did the Agosta submarines deal). But, since BB was busy leading the masses, she needed a Luca Brasi to handle her business affairs. Division of labour, we believe, is what economists call it.

In 1996, you went straight to jail and did not emerge for 8 years. Let’s give you your due. Eight years in jail is a bitch. But you sucked it up, took your torture with a straight face, and eventually scarpered off to Dubai as part of confidence building measures between BB and the General.

Then the General got into trouble and the doors to Pakistan swung upon for BB. You skulked along in her wake, hoping not to get noticed. But you were there, lingering like the bouquet of a garlic-laden fart.

In December 2007, Pakistan was blown apart when BB died. You played your cards right, fought for the Federation, faced down the Sindhi chauvinists and insisted that democracy was the best revenge. We began to have second thoughts about you. And BB’s mysterious will surfaced giving custody of her party, like a retarded teenager, to her darling husband. Most fucking convenient.

The sympathy factor got the PPP the next election. And all the chootiyas in the party decided that their bread and butter depended upon their kissing your ass. So it became your party. And in the spirit of brotherhood that then prevailed, everybody said, hey let’s just make the fucker our President. He seems to have changed.

Let us begin with the fact that you have not changed. You have always been corrupt. And you are still corrupt today. Let us now add to the corruption your amazing fucking arrogance, your oh-so-charming response to all opposition – mein unn ko lund pay likhta hoon – and your general I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. The funny thing is that we would still forgive you all of that because hey, you got elected President and let’s face it, nobody’s perfect. Deep down, we still felt that there was a part of your black heart which still cared about Pakistan.

We were wrong. You don’t give a fuck about Pakistan. Pakistan is simply put, your bitch, yours to screw whenever you feel like. Aggay, pichhay, whatever.

No person who gave a shit about Pakistan, let alone any sane person tasked with the job of pretending to be the symbol of the fucking Federation, would ever abandon Pakistan during the worst floods in its entire history. Something like 2000 people have died in those floods. Your only job is to care for them, to make sympathetic noises. And you failed to do your job for the simple reason that you don’t give a fuck about us.

On top of the colossal stupidity of fucking off to England at a time of national crisis, there are the additional fuck-you factors. First of all, this was not a good time to go to England. Their Prime Minister just got done telling us to fuck off so going staying in London in a $12,000 per night suite was not the ideal response. And second, there is the whole Normandy chateau thing which just takes the fucking cake in this entire stupid goddamn episode. What fucking planet do you live in if you think that taking a private jet to your private fucking chateau is a good idea when Pakistan is facing one of the largest humanitarian crises in its entire history. This was not work. This was just a giant fuck you to us.

And why, might we ask do you have to put out a press release telling everybody that the chateau has been in the Zardari family for the last 24 years. Oh really? So when your father was running the fucking Bambino cinema in Karachi in the mid-80s, he was also the owner of a 5-acre chateau in Normandy? Is there some secret Zardari clan which has been French aristocracy for decades? Seriously, how fucking stupid do you think we are?

We are out of words now. We cannot comprehend the depth and level of arrogance in you. We just can’t. What we can say is this: fuck you Mr. President